Legend once spoke of a man who was armed with nothing but time, a keyboard and an inability to stop thinking. It spoke of him hurling his unnecessary opinion at others while backing it up with nothing but some mildly amusing writing and the hope of internet kudos. It spoke of him helping people to navigate Cornwall with a full stomach. It spoke of…
THE EDGE OF THE MAP GUIDE TO GOOD EATS AT THE LOWEST PRICE A SKINT PHOTOGRAPHER CAN JUSTIFIABLY AFFORD WHEN I’M BY MY FAVOURITE PHOTO SPOTS.
THERE AND SNACK AGAIN, A SLOBBITS TALE.
Intro: I am not a food critic, I am a photographing, graphic designing idiot who forgets to bring snacks when he’s out and about, therefore, if you’re after high cuisine turn you should definitely not be here, but if you want food from mostly good, local places. You should carry on reading. I’m also always broke, so a lot of these places flirt with either giant portions or smaller costs. Some of them don’t though, but you would probably impress someone if you took them there for a date. Which I guess leads us to a whole new title:
HOW TO GET AT LEAST ONE BIT OF YOUR FIRST DATE RIGHT, A GUIDE TO LOVE AND DESPERATION.
Anyway, this is going to be a few of the most popular photo spots in Cornwall and where to go to eat around those spots. I’m gonna miss a lot of stuff because they don’t fall in the scope of this, but feel free to tell me I’m wrong. I either won’t listen or will check them out.
First off, Newquay is going to be busy, so get ready for that. You’re probably going to have to wait for food, not that there aren’t a few gems. Also, parking is a bitch and you should probably just abandon your car a few miles away and walk into town.
GILMORES | @gilmores_newquay Mexican food and mini golf is probably always going to be a win let’s be honest. It’s also super hipster-y so going by my demographics a decent amount of you will love it on that alone. Drinks are good, food is better. Super fresh and tasty. Slightly expensive though.
Date rating: 3 bad jokes out of 5
Food rating: 17 burritos out of 20
Affordability rating: 3 receipt checks out 5
THE PANTRY | @thepantrynewquay
This is really easy, The Pantry doesn’t have the most glamorous location, but it is packed with solid Cornish produce and the sandwiches are HUGE. I used to eat here every day on my lunch break and there’s a solid chance I’m still trying to pay that off. Big sandwiches, good shops and you can get fuel while you wait. Sorted.
Date rating: 1 sad sandwich out of 5
Food rating: 5 bread rolls you could kill someone with out of 7
Affordability rating: 3 local cheeses out of 5
WAX | @waxnewquay Really good if you’re a local because then you can get a discount card. Cocktails are bloody good as well, also it quite often seems relatively quiet so that’s good for those of us who are deaf as hell/ want to have a conversation with people because sometimes it’s nice not to yell at people.
Date rating: 4 regular occurrences out of 5
Food rating: 7 “I like the staff so I feel I might be biased but also I had a burger once and it blew my socks off” bias warnings out of 9
Affordability rating: 3 locals cards out 5
Bonus Newquay Round
Francine’s’ Fish and Chips shop Francine’s’ does two things; it makes all of the Henver road smell of fish and chips on a busy night and they give you so many chips you have to assume they hate potatoes and are actively trying to eradicate them. Expect a queue of peckish locals and to stand outside while you’re waiting.
Imagine being the only city in the county and then making up for it. Truro nails it. Well, for the most part. Lots of chain stores and a few social issues, but still, it’s pretty! And it’s also close enough to St. Agnes and Perranporth that it’s not a giant leap out of the way.
HUB BOX | @hubbox_ Good burgers, good drinks, nice atmosphere. Definitely a plus for the area and the place I always walk past and get tempted by. Well worth a look but it gets amazingly busy. Oh also, the building is pretty cool as well.
Date rating: 4 small tables out of 5
Food rating: 8 fantastic menus out of 10
Affordability rating: 3 iffy tips out of 7
OGGY OGGY PASTIES Just go there for the best steak pasty in Cornwall. I'm not worthy to rate beauty like that.
THE OLD GRAMMAR SCHOOL | @theoldgrammarschool So if you googled Hub Box and thought that was hipster-y, you ain’t seen shit. The old grammar school seems to cool for whatever and that might be a little off-putting BUT the food is really great, the tapas is beautiful and, happily, they had a really great range of non-alcoholic drinks which I think is criminally underrated.
Date rating: 3 oddly large tables out of 6
Food rating: 5 “Oh damn!”’s out of 6
Affordability rating: 4 “Do you wanna split this?”’s out of 5
THE A30 (Bodmin-ish Way) Ok, get ready for it, probably my favourite place to eat in Cornwall and where I stop literally every time I head through the area, even to the extent of driving significantly out of my way.
Cornwall Services But more specifically
CORNISH KITCHEN | @Cornishkitchen123 Solid portions, really good food ad quick service. The menu isn’t expansive but it doesn’t need to be, they know it out the goddamn park every time. I always go for the Smokey BBQ hotdog, whoever carefully constructed that beauty is possibly the single greatest Cornishman in that area.
Date rating: 1 justified waste of diesel out of 5 (but who cares)
Food rating: 19 Dashes of Cornish pride out of 19
Affordability rating: 7 “Why would you even go to Subway?” out of 7
PADSTOW Park at the carpark outside of town and enjoy the walk down, you get some really great views. When you actually make it to the town, obviously you should check out the sweet little shops and harbour, but also walk around the back bit, you’ll find some great stuff there.
EMBERS WOODFIREDPIZZA | @emberspizza Right, probably the best restaurant name on the list. Also, the logo uses my one of my favourite colours and they keep that going throughout, so hats off to them for keeping the branding on point. Secondly, for a tiny little pizza place the food is great. Lots of diverse food options which is nice to see, the pizza is great and it’s pretty cosy. I say pretty cosy, it’s really cosy so bare that in mind.
Date Rating: 3 uses of pallet wood out of 5
Food Rating: 4 examples of decent branding out of 6
Affordability rating: 12 reasons not to go to dominos out of 14
STRONG ADOLFOS | @strongadolfos So hipster-y you’ll come out with a whole new appreciation of rustic furniture, Strong Adolfos makes up for it by turning classics into outrageous food porn (just look at the Instagram page). It’s always super tasty and it always fills me up. Even popping in for a smoothie is worthwhile on a hot day, with that in mind, it’s not cheap. It’s also abominably busy in the summer, but i guess that’s the price you pay for quality!
Date rating: 9 Shoulder season delights out of 10
Food rating: 4 excessive uses of seeds out of 4.5
Affordability rating: 2 carefully cropped photos out of 5
Anyway, I’ll update this blog when I think of more places, but in the meantime, enjoy the opportunity to go out and try some tasty chow!